Emma Span at Baseball Prospectus has discovered the world of Real Person Baseball Slash Fanfic, which Jack Dickey at Deadspin calls "Penthouse Forum, as edited by Jayson Stark." Span's article is absolutely hilarious… and a little frightening.
I thought that over the years I’d seen most of the dark corners of sports fandom, but as it turns out, I still was not fully prepared for baseball fan fiction. […]You just do not ever expect to encounter the phrase, to quote one story, “Doug Mirabelli’s huge, unlubed…”
Well—Doug Mirabelli’s huge, unlubed anything, really. Let’s leave it at that.
[…]I came across a story about Kyle Farnsworth and Vance Wilson, but it was labeled with a warning: “people who are squeamish about bloodplay, knives, severely disturbed mental states and semi-non-con (but only semi!) should not touch this with a 20 foot stick.” As that would include me—not to mention that, as a Yankees fan, I’m just squeamish about Kyle Farnsworth in general—I didn’t, and am grateful for the heads-up. Even in the name of scientific research for a column to advance baseball knowledge, I have my limits.
Jack Dickey at Deadspin offers a few more very funny examples, like this cringe-inducing tale by Candle Beck, describing a 1997 tryst between an insecure Mark Mulder and a slick Barry Zito:
You think that telling someone what your name is, in a situation like this, is actually a pretty good thing to lie about, but you don't tell him that. You shrug. You just got a handjob from a boy named Barry. Crazy world.
"I just never met anybody named that before."
He nods, and shifts a little bit so that his outstretched leg nudges against your knee. "And you're Mark."
He knew your name the whole time. You almost smile, but bite it back at the last second. He knows your name, big fucking deal, quit acting like a fourteen year old girl. But you're blushing with pleasure, you can feel the burn in your ears, washing down your neck.
Uh-huh. All that's missing from these stories are Justin Bieber, Mr. Spock, and the kids from TWILIGHT.
(Thanks to Scott for the heads-up!)
That stuff is such crap. Everyone who knows baseball knows Doug Mirabelli ALWAYS uses lube.
How sad does your life have to be to actually pen this crap?
Lee, I’m honestly shocked that after years you’re still on this fanfic stuff. Fanfic’s dumb, we all know it. Don’t even give them attention.
As an Oakland A’s fan, I am most upset that it was Zito jerking off Mulder in 1997, when, clearly, Mulder was a far more promising prospect at the time.
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